Khunays Shahbâz PESHAWAR, July 24:  The Taliban Commander, Mullah Fuzlullah, also known as Fuzzy and Mullah FM, was arrested by Kandahar Metropolitan Police on Thursday for allegedly soliciting himself, as well as carrying out a lewd act on himself in a men’s lavatory in Kandahar.

Mullah FM shot to notoriety two years ago for starting an illegal radio station in Pakistan’s Swat Valley, delivering hard hitting and fiery speeches, as well as playing Gangster Rap, Ska and New Wave music.  His famous catchphrase, which he shouted into the microphone, was, “FILTH, FILTH, FILTH!  THAT’S ALL YOU LOT EVER THINK ABOUT!”

He also mounted a violent campaign to enforce in Swat what the Taliban believed was Sharia Law, opposing education for girls and beheading opponents until the Government ordered in thousands of troops.

AFP obtained an exclusive video recently showing Fuzlullah addressing a group of would be suicide bombers and shooting an AK-47, shouting, “Yeah baby, yeah!”

In another scene, the same men are seen sitting barefoot on the floor, surrounded by large plush cushions, playing Xbox 360 video games and, apparently, smoking marijuana.  Fuzlullah can been seen commenting, “This skunk is damn good sh#t homes!” whilst a large bearded man, apparently a Sheikh, sits in the corner of the room giggling to himself, and answering, “Damn Straight!”

He rejected the Governments claim that it had restored peace in Swat.  “We do not concede defeat…it was part of our strategy and a tactical retreat,” he said.

Fazlullah also criticized the Government for recently holding a peace festival in Swat, and, “promoting vulgarity and obscenity”.

Pc Abdul Norris, who arrested the fugitive Cleric, said, “I’d just started my shift. I was making my way over to Dunkin Donuts when I saw a man, clearly under the influence, stagger out of the strip club, Karzai’s Palace.  He then very slowly made his way over to the men’s lavatory across the road.  I thought nothing of it at first, but, a few minutes later, an elderly man approached me, saying that a vagrant repeatedly pestered him for sexual favours.  That’s when I arrested him.”

An anonymous associate of Fazlullah, with a strong Liverpudlian accent, said, “ He’s been on a downer and completely let himself go recently.  I mean, he was ousted from Swat.  He was a celeb there, who boasted more listeners than Terry Wogan.  It just isn’t the same thing in Afghanistan.  Then the radio equipment that he owned and purchased through hard earned drug money was donated to a more moderate and peace loving Sufi Cleric, who constantly plays Abba, Avril Lavigne and Take That, as well as classical music.  If there's one thing Fuzzy can’t stand, it’s classical music.  We wuz Hardcore man!  And, to add insult to injury, the building that once housed Fuzzys radio station has been handed over to an Afghan Womens Lib Group!  He’s livid!”

A resident from Kandahars leafy suburb of Egdastan, sporting a Birmingham accent, said, “It’s strange how this man spoke out against S_E_X and filth but was extensively involved in it himself!”

Despite Fuzlullahs sordid indiscretions, he still has his supporters.  One man said, in a heavy Yorkshire accent, “ Aye!  He alright our Fuzzy!  He’s a God fearing man of piety and religious devotion.  It’s a smear campaign, I tell ya!  I blame Mossad, The Zionists, India, The CIA, The freemasons and The Illuminati!”

It’s not yet known whether Fuzlullah will be sentenced in Afghanistan or deported back to Pakistan. - AFP