Khunays Shahbâz MOSUL, Iraq:  Vampires posing as Al Qaeda terrorists have allegedly been holding up blood banks at gunpoint in Mesopotamia, the fertile area of land between the Tigris and The Euphrates River in Iraq.  Armed with automatic weapons, and sporting “I love Hammer Horror” T Shirts, the bloodsuckers barged their way into a Lloyds TSB Blood Bank in Mosul on Monday night, and demanded large quantities of human blood.

With piercing red eyes and elongated canines, one of the men announced, in a tough Glaswegian accent, “We are terrorists!  Hand over the good stuff!”

Witnesses report that another bank robber said, in a Terry Christian Mancunian accent, “This is for our injured Comrades!” whilst biting and sucking down hard on a bag of AB negative.

A third was heard saying, in a hard Jimmy Nail accent, “Sh#t! Mon! This sure hits the sweet spot!” whilst guzzling down on a bag of type A positive.

Suspicion immediately fell on Count Von Orloff Al Shabab, Mosul’s self proclaimed, 800 year old resident vampire!  A posse of angry villagers, armed with burning torches, pitchforks, and shovels, then descended onto Castle Shabab under the cover of moonlight to exact violent revenge.

However, their minds were soon put at ease when the Count gave a pacifying and impromptu press conference right outside his castle, after serving tea, coffee and buffet to his guests.

The flamboyant Count, sporting an outrageous shocking pink cape and garish green Armani suit, and flanked on either side by two buxom Czech pornstars, said, in his trademark Lilly Savage accent, “Honest to God! I’ve got absolutely nothing to do those amateurish w*nkers!  Anyone who knows me knows I like to go about my business in a professional manner.  I prefer to wine and dine willing and buxom young wenches before digging my canines into their slender and juicy necks!  Frozen food just isn’t for me, I’m afraid!"

He also denied that he was involved in terrorism, and said that, if he could, he would, “String em up by their b@llucks!”

A spokeman for Al Qaeda denied that the bloodsuckers were on their pay roll.  “It is haram for Muslims to intermingle with these eternally damned, sunlight shy, undead blood drinkers,” whilst the Pentagon laughed off and denied Vampires existed out right, saying, “Vampires only exist at True Blood conventions, and in the dark recesses of the Human mind."  AFP